On My Way Home

The car is packed. I'm ready. I'm going home.

It's been nine months, and I'm finally going back to Maine. 

I know my journey's not over, but some part of it is coming to a close. Before I leave on this final two hour trip back to Portland, I'm pausing to catch up with you. I know I've been out of touch. 

There is a part of me that is just THRILLED, so excited to go home, so excited to see everyone in Maine, so excited to measure what's changed in me with the loved ones who sent me off back in July and learn what has changed in them. Let's see what flowers are blooming from the seeds we planted...

There is also a part of me that is very sad, and that's what I want to share first. The last part of my journey has been full of intensity and love and sadness and loss. I want to tell you about my amazing friends Katie and Kris and their children Kiran and Mira. I want to honor that it is not my story... and yet my story is woven in with theirs. Much of the last month I spent in Charlottesville with these dear friends. There was a new baby, and there was a dying father. There were so many of us nearby, our hands twitching with the desire to do something, anything. We could wash dishes and feed the baby and answer the doorbell, but in the larger sense there was nothing for us to do but be close (or sometimes far away) and watch the heartbreak as it happened, and feel our own hearts breaking too. 

Have you lost someone, and seen how much their absence is a presence? Have you felt how the spirit of someone gone changes and lifts those who stay behind? Kris didn't want us to be sad, he wanted us to celebrate what an amazing life he had. He thought of himself as the luckiest guy in the world, even up to the end. Read a little more about him here.

So, in the spirit of what Kris wanted, I just want to end by saying that it was such an incredible honor to be with them during this time.

From the sublime to the mundane... 

I see that it's getting late and I have to leave soon. I want to write more about February, and March, and April, and May. In the meantime, here are some snippets:

- NYC last weekend with Christian to celebrate his translations of Osama Alomar's work and Osama's appearance at the PEN Literary festival. Read the NYT article here.

- New Mexico with Alana and Tim in the weeks before their baby's birth! 

(Damn are those some fine parents-to-be.)

Oh, that's the Rio Grande River behind us!

Then on to Taos' Earth Ships. Sustainable homes. 

I may have left Maine, but I've still got my layers!

And a month at Ananda, where I was headed when I last wrote.

My home was here: 

And because this is in no particular order, I also spent a week with my little (but taller than me) brother Josh in Austin, where I hung out a bunch at the zero-waste grocery store he helped start. Check out http://in.gredients.com.

And also...

- Lunch with a former student in Albuquerque

- A night with Ra and Jill in their magical Oakland retreat home

- Another 10 day vipassana retreat, this time in the heart of Texas

- More time at Grafton Peace Pagoda, including an April snow storm

- A few days with my patient parents growing sprouts and visiting my grandma and great-aunt

I know I'm leaving out a lot, but I've got to get to Maine!

Love to all of you, and I hope to see you SOON!

So Much to Be Thankful For...

Hello again everyone!

I knew it was time for an update when I got a text message from my sister that said, "Where in the world is Amanda? Inquiring minds want to know!" And later that same day I got a message from my parents asking how Nevada City was; not only have I never been to Nevada City, but it was about 600 miles away from where I actually was.

In San Diego. In shorts and sandals. In January.

One of my goals this year was to be warm. Check!

I last wrote about the birth of Ray. There's a lot to fill in, and I know I won't fit it all here, but here's a little taste:

Right after Ray was born, I hopped on a bus back to the Sierra Nevadas to serve on a vipassana meditation course. I loved baking cornbread and sweeping the floors for the meditators, trying to make their experience as comfortable as my first sit (10 day course) was. Here's a few of us who served and sat together on our magical day off in Yosemite. 

My next plane ride took me to Colorado. Here's a different kind of plane ride:

Acro-yoga with my nephew Demitri. 

And my nephew Johannes. 

Not quite an airplane, but pretty good considering I weigh more than twice what he does!

These two boys were another big part of leaving Maine -- I wanted to spend time with them! And I got it, lots of good boy time. I witnessed only one bloody nose in my month with them, which is apparently below average. 

Of course, hanging out with my sister and her husband wasn't half bad, either!

Heather ran her first half-marathan while I was there. It was -8 degrees when she left the house, but it never crossed her mind to drop out. Yes, that's NEGATIVE 8 degrees.

(Do you see me whooping it up in the background?)

I can't say enough about my month with the Wiegands. If you ever want to feel welcome, go spend time with Heather and Chris! From borrowing their neighbor's car for me, to driving me to a hard-to-find soccer game, to finding a guitar for me to use for the month... and on and on. Thank you so much, Heather, Chris, Johannes, and Demitri! 

It's hard to find a photo with Chris *in* it, as he usually takes the photos. Thanks, Chris, for taking me snowshoeing and for all the millions of other gestures, small and large!

I don't have many photos from the next leg of my trip. I spent New Year's with my friend Christian in the neat little town of Troy, New York.  We welcomed the New Year at dawn at the snowy Grafton Peace Pagoda. Check it out if you're ever in the area. I met lots of folks doing great work to build sustainable communities there -- keeping fracking out of NY, growing healthy food, protecting the watersheds of the Hudson Valley, and much more. Thanks, Christian!

I popped in to East Coast winter just long enough to get really chilly and rush back to California!

The next phase of my journey was a long time coming: the year-long Leadership Program run by Bay NonViolent Communication. Another reason I left my job -- I have wanted to do this program for years, but the retreats fall during the school year.

Our first retreat was in Calistoga, CA, in the beginning of January. Folks came from all over the world: Japan, Turkey, Canada, all parts of the US. All of us have the intention to share nonviolent communication (NVC) in some way. NVC has been a huge support to me in the work I do as a teacher, as a dialogue facilitator, as a friend and family member...  pretty much every part of my life has been enriched by NVC. I'm still figuring out how to explain it. For me, it's the "how" of living compassion and peace; it's both a strategy and a philosophical framework.  Read here if you'd like to learn more.

I didn't take any pictures from our week together, but my new friend Slam did. Here's Slam in our beautiful home for the week:

 

And Slam, Go, and Yuko.

Thanks, Slam!

I was blown away by the quality of the teaching and programming. I returned to the outside world inspired, refreshed, and a little disoriented. Thankfully, my new global community of fellow NVC-ers is a huge support. We connect every week on a tele class and we'll see each other at our next retreat in June. In the meantime, I'm putting my focus on integrating what I'm learning and letting it influence my inner and outer life.

What's most exciting: seeing more and more clearly how I can contribute to peace-building and helping people (and all other creatures) live well together. I'm grateful to NVC for helping me develop this in myself!

Since the retreat, I've been in the Bay Area and in Southern California. A few pictures:

Hiking in Point Reyes with Liza. 

In San Diego with Chaz:

Exploring tide pools.

The Ocean Beach Farmers Market. Just like Maine, only with palm trees. And shorts. And a lot of other differences.

Hiking among the madrones and live oaks. (Thanks, Chaz!)

Meeting Jen and Fred's adorable little one, Alina. I wish I had a photo of her adorable parents, too!

Now I'm back in the Bay Area for a day before heading to the Sierras again. My next adventure: a month in a yoga ashram! 

I miss you and love you all!

**Many thanks for all the photos! Thanks to Chris and Heather, Jen and Fred, Chaz, Mercy, Liza, and Slam, and I'm sorry if I missed anyone else!

"Baby Ray popped out of Mommy's belly!"

Maybe it wasn't quite as simple as that, but that's how Leon explained it to all of us when he met his new brother. He's usually more interested in the things than the people, but even mechanically-minded Leon knew this was a big moment. He kept repeating his explanation of how Baby Ray turned from a much-discussed myth supposedly related to the bump in Mommy's belly to the tiny person he held on his lap:

"Baby Ray popped out of Mommy's belly!"

 "...Baby Ray popped out of Mommy's belly!"

...Okay, someone else can hold this now... (His exact words were "Want me to hold it!" which was how he indicated that Daddy, who he hears calling himself "me", should take his brother away from him so he could examine the hospital scanners.)

Me: "Leon, did you know that when I was born, that's when Daddy became a big brother, just like you did today when baby Ray was born?"

Leon: "Banana!"

Historical note: when he first met me, 3 1/2 year old Russ took off his pants and pooped on the floor.

His son Leon seemed a lot more amenable to having a new sibling. 

My earlier visit with Ray the morning he was born, October 31st. Yes, a Halloween birthday! His cousins Demitri and Johannes were envious.

I wish I had a photo of Cee to show you, too -- she was absolutely glowing. I felt so lucky to get to visit with the three of them in the first few hours of Ray's life. Both Cee and Ray were doing so well. We were all so grateful and happy!

Leon welcomes Baby Ray home for the first time:  

 

 

 

Proud Daddy with his new son!

Meanwhile, I left for two weeks the day after Ray was born. By then, Cee's mother, Janice, was staying with the family and it would have been a bit crowded with all of us. (More about my amazing two weeks in another post.)

When I returned, Baby Ray had his eyes open a lot more often:

Most of all, throughout this whole adventure, I got to spend a lot of time with big brother Leon, picking him up from "school," learning how to open and close an umbrella, practicing jumping, etc. The first words out of his mouth most mornings were, "Wanna play the guitar!" I can relate to that...

Aunt Amanda holds the chord shapes, Leon strums like crazy.

So his parents got him a Leon-sized guitar, with which we passed many happy hours. This kid has a seriously long attention span.

If you want to see what a two-and-a-half year old rock star looks like, check this out (only 25 seconds long):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC6FxOv8MVQ

As for MY mommy and daddy, Papa Jerry and Grandma Judy arrived from Boston a few days before Thanksgiving. This is on the way back from the community garden, where Leon really enjoys the hoses:

High five?

Thanks to Russ, Cee, and Dad for these photos!

"Birds Have Tushies, Too"

So said Leon, who was watching a bird groom itself. Nevermind that the "tushie" was actually the bird's breast, looking particularly derriere-like as the bird turned its head to preen its tail feathers.

These days are filled with such gems. Leon and I get to spend a lot of time together, reason numero uno for leaving Maine for a year. Now instead of watching him grow up on Youtube from 3000 miles away, I can almost -- almost -- watch him grow before my eyes. He's gotten a lot better with a guitar pick. He sings "Puff the Magic Dragon" whenever he's not actively doing anything else, and often even  while doing something else. He calls himself "you" and everyone else "me" -- I didn't know toddlers had such a charming stage in language acquisition.

The two of us spend a lot of time together in anticipation of the arrival of his new brother. Coming soon! I'm so grateful to get to be such a close part of Russ, Cee, and Leon's family during this time.

As soon as the baby arrives, I take off for two weeks and turn Leon care over to his grandmother. I'll return to San Francisco once Russ goes back to work. In the meantime, I haven't decided yet where I'll go. Anyone want to join me for an adventure?

The Desert

Hi everyone,

I've spent the last month in the Mojave desert and I just got back to San Francisco yesterday. It's dreamy there... many thanks to Steph and Ethan for being such awesome hosts! I felt like part of the family; it was hard to leave.

I arrived in Joshua Tree on September 18th and it was still hot summer there. The first morning I had to hop out of bed soon after the sun came up so I wouldn't get baked in my room. The next morning Ethan, Steph, and I woke up at 3:30 to try to beat the heat on the infamous Cactus to Clouds hike. We started at sea level in the low desert and climbed all the way up to 10,800 feet.

Weirdest trailhead ever. This is from the street in front of the Palm Springs Art Museum. We just parked on a city street and began our hike right behind the museum.

After a few hours of hiking past cacti in the dark and cool, the sun (or, as Ethan called it, the "death star") came out. But we were high enough by then that not one of us got heat stroke! We did bring over 2 gallons of water each just in case. 

18.5 miles in, at the peak!

The summit was spectacular. This is just a few minutes before I lost Ethan and Steph, but thanks to the whistle on my pack, they found me and I didn't have to sleep up there!

A few days later, the winds of change blew through. Literally. The dry, cold, desert winds carried winter the day Steph drove me 20 minutes down the road to the Southern California Vipassana Center to begin my 10 day course there. Here was my daily schedule for 10 days:

Steph claims that I almost cried when I learned that I couldn't bring my journal with me. I didn't almost cry, but I was a little anxious -- not only was I going to give up my phone and computer for 10 days (easy), but I also had to leave behind my books, magazines, paper, and even pens. It might seem strange to you. If you'd like to know why, read more here.


In fact, if you're interested and can find the time to take one of these 10 day courses, I urge you to do it. It's a rarer and rarer chance to disconnect from distractions and observe and strengthen your mind. It's offered all over the world, free of charge (past students donate to make it possible for new students), and is staffed by volunteers. I was so moved by the love and care of the volunteer servers that I got choked up at a couple of meals! Even more poignant given that I couldn't express this appreciation to anyone (until the end, when we could talk).

I'm not sure how to sum up what my own personal experience was like. One thing I did notice was that the same fear came up that I experienced hiking the John Muir Trail. On my hiking trip, I started noticing a pain in my knee and worried that if I kept up the intense exercise, I would permanently damage it. I wasn't worried about the pain itself, but rather what it might mean in the long run. The same thing came up during my meditation, in almost the exact same words (in my mind, as I was maintaining silence). The only difference in the worry was that this time too much sitting, rather than too much exercise, might lead to permanent damage. In the midst of my anxiety, though, I could laugh at myself a little bit this time around. I remembered that on the trail, the pain had gone away after a few days and my legs felt stronger than ever. And so it happened with sitting, too. I'm not sure how to articulate the different way I've come to see my mind/body... but I like it. I'm so grateful I got to have both of these experiences.

At the very end of the course, we were allowed to talk. Here's a photo of me with some of the other folks who stayed in the same dorm as me (behind us):

And the last desert experience I'll leave you with:

Snow day!

Yes. Really.

I figured I ought to hike the highest mountain in Southern California, now that I'd hiked Cactus to Clouds.

 But it was the first snow of the season.

Here's where I parked.

I didn't see a single other person on the trail the entire day.

I wasn't the first one on the trail though:

 I felt right at home with the fallen maple leaves and the snow.

I love junipers even more now that I've spent a snow day with them!

The snow was glorious, but very slow. I had to turn back before I made it to the top. No regrets. Now I have a great excuse to return to the desert!